I have recently reconnected with members of my family. Whether this is good or bad only time will tell but it has made me think a lot about the issue of bystanders.
A Bystander is defined as a close observer. My family were bystanders to the abuse that was going on in my childhood home but did little to nothing about. I have began to look at myself: When have I been a bystander to violence and did nothing about it?
Last August there was a story, where a woman was sexual assaulted in a hallway for approximately 90 minutes. At least 10 people walked past or peeked out, she also banged on a door for help. No one helped her.
I believe that we have to be "our brother's keeper," that we have a responsibility as human beings to look at for one another. I'm not saying that we put ourselves in a dangerous situation, but in the above mentioned story, any one of those people who were bystanders could have called 911.
I know that I will no longer be the bystander.
Carly
For info on Violence Against Women & Bystanders
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Abusive Men
Some men just have to be abusive, no matter what. A couple of days ago I received an abusive email from a "fan" of our web site. For some reason he chose me, the web master, to send his obnoxious, venomous, hateful email to. He doesn't care about equality at all, even when it comes to men. He's a very wounded, misdirected, narrow minded person, mis-interpreting what is on our site. He's a blamer. He's full of male privilege and bias. It's unfortunate that men like him are in such denial and will twist the facts to their benefit.
His claims that women are significant perpetrators of DV are not supported by the statistics and the web site does not make any claim what so ever that women don't engage in DV. When women engage in DV, it's usually because they have been abused by their partner for a long time. They see no way out except to fight back, and some do. Of course, the male partner will deny any wrong doing, just to avoid taking responsibility for his thoughts, behaviors, feelings & choices. It's all about choice, accountability and equality.
The man needs to be educated and many even need counseling to help heal his emotional wounds, and IMJ his pride/ego is getting in his way. There is a very high probablity that he is a primary perp who has been through the legal system and not mandated to a Domestic Abuse and Violence education class.
He has no clue how he is affecting society with his ripple effect and he probably doesn't care. So, if you are reading this please pray for all the DV perps out there who need assistance coming to their senses.
His claims that women are significant perpetrators of DV are not supported by the statistics and the web site does not make any claim what so ever that women don't engage in DV. When women engage in DV, it's usually because they have been abused by their partner for a long time. They see no way out except to fight back, and some do. Of course, the male partner will deny any wrong doing, just to avoid taking responsibility for his thoughts, behaviors, feelings & choices. It's all about choice, accountability and equality.
The man needs to be educated and many even need counseling to help heal his emotional wounds, and IMJ his pride/ego is getting in his way. There is a very high probablity that he is a primary perp who has been through the legal system and not mandated to a Domestic Abuse and Violence education class.
He has no clue how he is affecting society with his ripple effect and he probably doesn't care. So, if you are reading this please pray for all the DV perps out there who need assistance coming to their senses.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Normalized Behavior
Normalization is something we do to make the abnormal normal. Normalization may involve discounting or minimizing the behavior to make it acceptable.
In our society we have normalized the choice of poor behavior that shows up in domestic abuse and domestic violence situations as "Anger" and it isn't. Anger is a feeling and abuse or violence is a behavior, AND behavior is a choice.
We have chosen to accept abusive behavior and call it anger. It's acting out, just like little children do because they can't communicate well, or don't know how to express their feelings. Many times, the adults don't teach the children how to commmunicate their feelings, so we get kids acting out.
Many times, there is an absence of good, healthy, positive role models, especially in the case of single parent families where the mother is the primary care giver. Boys and young men being raised without a male role model. This is ok up to a point, and there comes a point in our lives where young men have to be educated and initated in to healthy masculine by other MEN, and their elders. We don't have that in our society and there are organizations that are making a global effort to intitate men in a good way, and fraternities don't count. Neither to gangs. They are not good models for healthy rites of passage.
Our young people are exposed to violence all over the place; TV, video games, movies, the street, and war, just to name a few. Continued exposure can create conditioning. Some children can't separate fantacy from reality and soon it all becomes reality; sad, violent reality to them. They get conditioned to believe that violence is the way to solve problems.
Violence doesn't solve anything, and nobody wins in a war. There may be a declared winner, however, there is always a price to pay; the lives of soldiers and the innocent. There are many parts to the solution: 1)Education and healthy role models, 2)Creating win-win situations with negotiation and fairness, 3)Honoring differences instead of being afraid of the differences, 4) Having an attitude of abundance and gratitude instead of scarcity, 5)Practicing love and forgiveness instead of hate. I am sure there are more parts, and these stick out right now.
It's time to stop the abuse and violence in our society, and in the world. I challenge each of you who read this to step up, be a Stand Up Guy, and start saying NO to abusive, violent behavior.
In our society we have normalized the choice of poor behavior that shows up in domestic abuse and domestic violence situations as "Anger" and it isn't. Anger is a feeling and abuse or violence is a behavior, AND behavior is a choice.
We have chosen to accept abusive behavior and call it anger. It's acting out, just like little children do because they can't communicate well, or don't know how to express their feelings. Many times, the adults don't teach the children how to commmunicate their feelings, so we get kids acting out.
Many times, there is an absence of good, healthy, positive role models, especially in the case of single parent families where the mother is the primary care giver. Boys and young men being raised without a male role model. This is ok up to a point, and there comes a point in our lives where young men have to be educated and initated in to healthy masculine by other MEN, and their elders. We don't have that in our society and there are organizations that are making a global effort to intitate men in a good way, and fraternities don't count. Neither to gangs. They are not good models for healthy rites of passage.
Our young people are exposed to violence all over the place; TV, video games, movies, the street, and war, just to name a few. Continued exposure can create conditioning. Some children can't separate fantacy from reality and soon it all becomes reality; sad, violent reality to them. They get conditioned to believe that violence is the way to solve problems.
Violence doesn't solve anything, and nobody wins in a war. There may be a declared winner, however, there is always a price to pay; the lives of soldiers and the innocent. There are many parts to the solution: 1)Education and healthy role models, 2)Creating win-win situations with negotiation and fairness, 3)Honoring differences instead of being afraid of the differences, 4) Having an attitude of abundance and gratitude instead of scarcity, 5)Practicing love and forgiveness instead of hate. I am sure there are more parts, and these stick out right now.
It's time to stop the abuse and violence in our society, and in the world. I challenge each of you who read this to step up, be a Stand Up Guy, and start saying NO to abusive, violent behavior.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Independence Day
July 4th makes me think of several things: Fireworks, Picnics, Will Smith Movies & Abigail Adams. Why Abigail Adams you might ask? On March 31, 1776, she wrote a letter to her husband
"I long to hear that you have declared an independency. And, by the way, in the new code of laws which I suppose it will be necessary for you to make, I desire you would remember the ladies and be more generous and favorable to them than your ancestors... Men of sense in all ages abhor those customs which treat us only as the (servants) of your sex; regard us then as being placed by Providence under your protection, and in imitation of the Supreme Being make use of that power only for our happiness."
"I long to hear that you have declared an independency. And, by the way, in the new code of laws which I suppose it will be necessary for you to make, I desire you would remember the ladies and be more generous and favorable to them than your ancestors... Men of sense in all ages abhor those customs which treat us only as the (servants) of your sex; regard us then as being placed by Providence under your protection, and in imitation of the Supreme Being make use of that power only for our happiness."
This was her husband's reply: "As to your extraordinary code of laws, I cannot but laugh."
Needless to say women were left out of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.
What does this have to do with Stand Up Guys you might ask.
Well abuse and equality can not coexist: they are antithesis of each other. Stand Up Guys' vision is a world with liberty, justice, safety and equality for all and for so long that has not been the world for women.
This Independence Day when we reflect upon our nation's freedom, let us resolve to work for a world where everyone has the freedoms and privileges that independence is truly suppose to bring.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Why Rick joined Stand Up Guys
I joined Stand Up Guys for my two young boys. Michael turns 7 today and Jeremy turned 9 in May.
I haven’t personally abused or witnessed the physical abuse of women. My mother is a strong woman that is recognized as an equal in my family to my father. I too see my wife as an equal in my family. But as a father I want my boys to know that all people are equal. To see the world through eyes that are not judging people by anything other than their words and actions. When I hear my nine-year-old son say “how can she do that, she’s a girl?”, or my seven year old son see a women in a army uniform say, “I didn’t know girls could be soldiers”, I challenge them and ask why. I correct them because it’s this train of thought that, if left unchallenged, allows men to feel superior to women. And allows for abuse.
Rick
I haven’t personally abused or witnessed the physical abuse of women. My mother is a strong woman that is recognized as an equal in my family to my father. I too see my wife as an equal in my family. But as a father I want my boys to know that all people are equal. To see the world through eyes that are not judging people by anything other than their words and actions. When I hear my nine-year-old son say “how can she do that, she’s a girl?”, or my seven year old son see a women in a army uniform say, “I didn’t know girls could be soldiers”, I challenge them and ask why. I correct them because it’s this train of thought that, if left unchallenged, allows men to feel superior to women. And allows for abuse.
Rick
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Why A Blog
People may ask why does Stand up Guys need a blog. The answer is simple: this is an informal place for discussion and for Stand Up Guys & Gals to write about the world from their perspective. I hope that you enjoy my blogs as well as those of out guest bloggers.
Carly
Carly
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